or: to see myself in the light
The biggest moon of the past 60 years has shone upon the “alternative” (alternative is the Brit way to say hippie) town of Totnes, England. But typical to England, it might of shone very bright, but hidden behind a veil of thick grey clouds. has come to show me how obscuring our veils are.
They say in the lineage that I became a part of, that all human beings have this pure nature hiding deep behind our clouds of thoughts. they say that the world and every thing in it and outside of it is sacred. every moment is precious, every meeting has a lesson. but all I see for now is fear and loathing and pain, the moon of light so far away behind the pain and racism that appears everywhere around this globe. and I see it everywhere I go- in Brexit, in the “united” states, in my “holy” home land of Israel, that for me, feels the farthest away from holy. There’s nothing holy in loathing and fear, there’s nothing holy in exploding bombs and 18 year old boys and girls holding rifles. everywhere I look I see craziness, crazy crazy beings, polluted by hatred in both sides.
and they keep on talking politic and I keep on just not getting it, like a little kid, it makes no sense. it makes no sense that it makes so much sense to so many people.
***
My parents have this tendency of commenting me about my smell and hair. I reached the point when I take a shower only when I feel like, and usually I don’t feel like. And I use this natural deodorant that wears off quite quickly and don’t bother to replenish it every 3 hours. And so every time I go to my parents home they tell me to go take a shower.
When I was a kid they would ceaselessly order me to comb my hair, and would call it “rat’s tails” when I didn’t, and they would call me “a cart of lemons” when I’de cry. It’s amazing what parents will do so insensibly, what they will say insensibly and how they will act insensibly towards their kids, after trying to give all the nourishment and financial support they can to keep them healthy and well. Well, it’s like a battle of straight organised culture against any sign of disarray. As the hair should be combed and cleaned, and your unwanted facial hairs plucked out in order for you to be a real human being. It’s like driving full power on neutral, like pushing away and then embracing back again.
Every time and again my father would comment about my facial hair. He would tell me “do you know you have hairs in your chin?”. And what I find weird is, that I keep telling him that I don’t mind them, but off course he keeps minding them and telling me so. one time we were sitting in his car, he was in the shady side and I was in the sunny. so he touched my chin and told me “do you know you have hairs there?”, and I responded, “yes Aba, I know and I don’t care. every time you tell me this I tell you that I don’t care”. So he said “Oh, I just thought that you can’t see them in the light- the sun is shining on you so maybe you couldn’t see”.
I don’t take it personally, but what I really don’t get is why somebody who is in the shade can be so unaware to his shade, and thinks that only he can see me in the light. and I don’t understand this light of the culture that he sees me through. I want to be able to see myself truly in the light, in the Light (like reggie says about life) in capital L. in the Light of what I really am, not what society and my parents and industrialised world wants and expects me to be, but in what I really am in my body.
And I want to be a true human being. True by the definition of the heart, not by definition of “beauty” magazines. True to be a heartfull box of lemons, if that what it takes, wearing my rats of tails, if that be so. True to feel my heart when so much outside pressure me to forget about it. True to expand my chest after years on years of contraction. True to walk straight and aligned, straight by my body’s sense – not by culture sense. Aligned by cosmos sense, not by obscured human school sense. True to sense, to be sensible, to be sensitive. True to walk on the path the Life lead me to trough pain and tears and a long long search. True to know it when it comes, to see it when it’s finally there, to sense it when it approaches. True to become a refuge from this crazy crazy culture, from this burning crazy city, hair sprinkled with white rice thrown to the souls in the shrine room. True to refuge in body, to refuge in my deepermost soul, to see myself in the true Light.