I Am OK

TransActional analysis, injunctions etched by a parent to a very young daughter while still forming the perspective about what is life and reality and still forming a personality.

After being away from my birthland for more then half a year, I send my parents many pictures of me smiling and enjoying myself, amongst them photos of the birthday cake I made.

One of the photos was quite comic- my friends are poking me to try and get me to smile to the camera.

My mom sees all these lovely photos and responds “You look as if you’re suffering. When you were little you made a similar face when Liza would ask for a goodbye kiss. The cake looks good”.

Classic YOU ARE NOT OK injunction.
So many smiley photos, but I look like i’m suffering (=not good), but the cake looks good.

***

I was expecting to see an old partner that was supposed to come and visit me here. Every day he would say “I would come soon. In three days I’ll come”. Again and again he would say this, and I would expect him and get so excited towards his arrival. Again and again another day would pass and another and still he would not come and still he would say that in three more days he would.

Thus passed two or three weeks.

Eventually I painfully acknowledged that I’m frustrated and I’m actually hurt. And all of a sudden im not excited about his arrival anymore, and suddenly I have all these bad feelings towards him, the guy I was so anxiously missing just a few days ago.

And I realize that there is no real reason to feel bad towards him- he is a free man to stay in that ashram for as long as it’s good for him, he does not owe me anything. But still I feel bad towards him although I know there is no blame upon him.

I lay down for my morning practice. I feel my body from bottom to top. I no more find anger in belly- during a 6 month stomach treatment most of it has finally been fully experienced and dropped away. But I am hurt about the whole ex partner things. Often, anger is only a cover emotion I find on the top. Underneath it I will usually find a different emotion that I did not want to feel and so anger is covering it. With me it’s currently fear that I find underneath the anger. And I find it in the chest.

As my spinal alignment progresses, my bent back is straightening up. My shoulders slide backwards, my chest is opening up.
As my chest opens up i can finally feel what was kept there.
Fear.

So in this morning, when i reach the chest it feels very contracted. It feels as if a force is weighing it down. I feel fear. And underneath my fear, i find my heart beat.
And then i feel my heart.
It is so frightened.
It is afraid of not being loved.

And then a flashing realisation crosses my mind.  I AM AFRAID OF NOT BEING LOVED. So when the ex partner delays his arrival again and again, my heart interpreted the situation as rejection. I am not good enough for him to come. There are better other things in the ashram where he is staying other then me. If he does not come it means the guy doesn’t love me.

My heart, like a little poor kid, feels rejected. And so I ended up feeling hurt, without even realising what the whole thing was about…

As soon as I realize this, all the bad feelings against the old partner immediately drop. No more bad feelings anymore. It is not really about him or how he acts. It is how my childhood personality, programmed by years upon years of “YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH” just do what it was programmed to do- follow the script etched in me in early childhood.

So still in the age of 32 I am not good enough, even after all that happened and after ending up quite sane despite that crazy programming. Well, that inner dictator in me will keep of rattling that i am not good enough. And my mom, still, after three decades will find this only picture out of them all to prove herself that I am “a crateful of lemons” as she used to call me when I was a kid.

But so many hours of practice, so many hours of stretch in the clinic, so many hours of stomach treatment, an excellent teacher, so many tools in my hand, so many hours of breaking pattern dancing esoteric sacred dances, all of these are conspiring against this “you are not ok” injunction.

The inner dictator will maybe forever blabber it’s bullshit criticising. But realising the patterns and being aware to my inner psyche motions can at least understand it at bay. As more space opens up in my chest, more fear is being felt and more fear is being recognised and resolved. Healing is a fascinating process. After being unwell for so many years I can finally see the absurd benefits of the disease. What a journey it is. Stomach, chest, alignment, stretching, the whole universe is conspiring for me to be well. The whole existence is conspiring for me to internalise that I AM GOOD ENOUGH. I AM AM OK.